It's been pretty crazy couple of days at chez Dan. I missed work today due to being sick, and the jury is still out on tomorrow. I've had a lot of time to reflect on things and how I'm feeling about life these days. The holiday season, combined with the end of one year and the beginning of a new one seems to foster that, no?
Heidi got a new hair cut today. It's a bold new look. And it kind of sums up what I want to do for the new year as well. I want to break out of the molds in which I've placed myself. I want to be bold and daring. So I ask myself, as Madonna has been asking for the last year, "are you ready to jump?" Because it's a jump. And no, it's not as dramatic as all that, but what would I be if I weren't dramatic?
I'm looking for the new me, or perhaps, the me that I'm never comfortable putting out there. The one I'm afraid that people will mock. The one that doesn't line up with the perfect father and husband. Not that I'm either of those as well. Sometimes, I think that a good chunk of my depression comes from what I feel like I "should" be in life. Beneath this mild mannered veneer, is a crazy person. And not the "psychotic-stalking" crazy, but something that is more than just a pharmacist. It's the part of me that wants like crazy to go out dancing. It's the part of me that demands to be heard and not just pushed to the side. It doesn't fit in with the popular conception that many people have of me - my nearest and dearest friends and family are really the only ones that know the me beneath the face. I'm getting better at being braver and more open.
And hair is an easy place to start. I want to do something different, but not something that looks like I'm a 34 year old man trying to be 20. I mean, that's not me. I'm a 34 year old man with a professional job and, like it or not, I do have to look that part. But I think there's a happy medium. It might sound like a mid-life crisis (dear Lord, I hope that this isn't mid life!!) but really, it's not. It's just a mental shift.
Sometimes I wish I lived closer to Mike, John and Paul - three great friends that I have made over the last year that live in the UK. Some people argue that online people cannot be as close as people in your real life. I would argue the opposite. These three fine folks have made the close of this year wonderfully fun and exciting. In a year of filled with high highs and low lows, getting to know these three is among the highest of highs.
So, are you ready to jump? I think I am. Is there a safety net down there?