Unraveling

I left for work this morning in a tizz because I slept late and got Anna her breakfast and, lest I forget the most essential activity, I had to blog about Time for Timer. Consequently, when I left at 7:37AM, a full 7 minutes past my usual departure time, I was very worried that I was going to be late. So I left without my white coat which is required attire outside of the department and my house keys. And for all the worrying that I was going to be late, I found the wormhole to work and got there at 7:51AM. That's got to be a new world's record.

I listened to my "Driving to Chicago to see Casey" playlist on my iPod which, oddly enough, has more other stuff than actual Casey Stratton on it, although not by much. But the three songs I heard this morning on the walk to work were all Casey. "Witches" was the first, which seemed extremely appropriate given the season. More blogging about Halloween as soon as I get this post out of my system.

“Witches” was always one of the standout tracks from Whirlwind Medusa – when I first got it, I couldn’t stop listening to it. I’m not sure what it’s all about, but the “burn me alive/my witches are coming home” line gets me every time.

Next up was “The Hardest Part” which is the opening track from DIVIDE. It’s a great song, but I frequently skip it as sometimes, I’m just not in the mood for it. But today, while walking in the crisp morning air, it really got to me. It’s grand and dramatic and all about a relationship he’s better off without than with. And this was the line that really spoke to me this morning:

I get so tired of unraveling
Of nothing ever working
So I face what I was hiding all along

Unraveling. I know that feeling well. In the worst of my struggles with depression, that’s probably the most apt description of what sinking into that pit feels like. It’s an unraveling of your whole self. And when you’re not aware of it happening, you don’t notice it until it’s too late and the unraveling has left you a huge pile of yarn on the floor. I couldn’t stop singing that part of the song in my head this morning as I was working. And when I thought of unraveling, I thought of how most of the time these days, I feel more like a shoelace, with the aglet firmly in place – to protect against unraveling. The fact that I could recognize that fact rather than getting all caught up in the past, especially at this time of the year that is the hardest, speaks volumes.

Which brings us to the last song I heard prior to going into work this morning. It’s “Reverse” from the Whirlwind Medusa CD. I’ve always loved this song and it’s another that I really would like to hear live someday (I think there’s probably a YouTube video of it somewhere but I’m too lazy to check right now.) And this lyric was what got me:

I can’t live my life in reverse.

Isn’t that the truth? And so frequently, I think many people are guilty of this. Always worried about what they have done in the past that they forget about what they’re capable of. I know I am. There are days I can’t stop second guessing myself with regards to things I’ve done in the past, even if they’re so far in the past they’re really not worth worrying about. Forward-march.

If I want to try to let myself fly
You must let me go, sit back enjoy the show

The past that is. I think that’s the key. Learn from the past. Don’t live in it. Still working on that one a bit.

If you read this far, bless you.