Year of 25 Books: #25 - It's Kind of a Funny Story

Well, it was definitely down to the wire, but I have accomplished my goal of 25 books this year. I stayed up a little later than I probably should have the night before last (considering how early I had to be up yesterday morning) finishing the last book of the year, Ned Vizzini's It's Kind of a Funny Story. Heidi picked this book up for me in late October because she thought it sounded like something I might like. Not surprisingly, she was right.

It's Kind of a Funny Story tells the story of Craig Gilner, a 15 year-old guy from Brooklyn who is, not to put too fine a point on it, kind of messed up. He's depressed and way too hard on himself and ends up attempting suicide - only he calls the suicide hotline before he actually goes through with it. On the advice of the suicide hotline counselor, he goes to the local ER and checks himself into a the hospital's psychiatric wing.

A young adult novel, It's Kind of a Funny Story is a pretty fast read and overall quite enjoyable. The major arc of the book is watching Craig change, realizing that he's not the only one in the world that's screwed up and actually, many are in much more dire straits that he is. I think that's one of the funny parts of adolescence - the fact that no matter who you are or how great you teenage experience was, we all felt a little bit isolated. I remember thinking that there was no one on Earth who could understand what I was going through as a teenager (that is to say, the normal process of growing up and figuring out who you are.) That was compounded by the fact that pretty much everyone around me was doing the same thing. For Craig, this glimpse at others' realities provided him with a valuable tool to fight his own depression and anxiety.

I have to give Ned Vizinni credit - it's hard to write a character like Craig and make him both realistic and likable. Most teenage protagonists of books like this come off as very Holden Caulfield-ish - whiny, self-absorbed and completely unsympathetic. Craig was at times all of these things, but ultimately, I rooted for him because his character was very "everyman" or rather "every broody teenager." I really enjoyed watching his transformation. Everyone's screwed up - we just have different ways of showing it.

A good novel that is an easy read. It was a nice way to round out my 25 book challenge. I don't know that I'll do this on the blog next year - the book posts seem to be the least read - but who knows, maybe I will keep on blogging the books I read but just not in this form. We'll see what 2011 brings.

Sleeping or not

So yesterday I finally decided that I had just about had enough of this not being able to fall asleep bit and made an appointment to see my doctor. I don't frequently go to the doctor - mostly just once a year for the physical that my insurance pays for and the random time or two when I am so sick that I can't get well without some form of antibiotic. But this not sleeping well thing, well, it finally pushed me over the edge.

I pretty much live my life (as do many people) on a chronic sleep deficit. I go to bed too late, get up too early - sometimes by choice, sometimes out of necessity. The last month has been especially bad with me working a string of three overnight shifts and then a whole shitload of evenings, which resulted in one messed up sleep cycle. I don't mind working evenings - it's not a bad shift and there are about a third as many people there, but what I really need to do is sleep in till 9:30AM or so before I go in. That doesn't happen very often as those mornings are among the few mornings that I can actually take Anna to school. So what happens is I get up at 6:30. And then I wonder why I hit the wall at 9PM with 90 minutes left to work.

But then, without fail, I get home from that shift and I'm not tired. So I'm up till midnight or 1AM and then have to be at work at 8 the next day. It just sets me up. I should be tired, and I am, but I'm not. All of this leads to needing caffeine the first thing in the morning and liberal doses throughout the day, just to prop myself up enough to be able to function like a normal human being. Of course, all this caffeine leads to disruptions in the sleep cycle, which starts the whole dirty process all over again.

And then, you throw in my own personal wrinkle. I lay in bed at night trying to sleep, and the worry turns the volume up to 10. I think about things I might have left undone at work, things that might happen either tomorrow or in the near (or even distant) future, other people, other things so far out of my sphere of control it's not even funny...the list could literally go on forever. And it's not just that I think about it, it's that I pick it up and run with it as if I'm trying to make the winning touchdown. The other night I had to come back downstairs and was up till nearly 2AM when I had to be up at 5AM the next day. It wasn't pretty.

So because of all this, I went to the doctor. I was not looking for a quick fix - I know that there are many things that are buried beneath this, things that only I can unpack, things that no pill can fix. I got a lot of advice - things I already knew - like cutting out caffeine, exercising more regularly, melatonin, Benadryl, meditation, etc., etc., etc. And all those things I am willing to try. I complain constantly that I don't have time in my life for exercise which is bullshit because if I cut back my internet time even by an hour a day, I would have the time necessary. If it's important, you make time.

But the root of all of this is the worry. The nagging feeling that something is undone or that something horrible is in the offing. It relates back to my anticipation post. Heidi always tells me not to invite that kind of energy in which is her way of saying not to borrow trouble. She is, of course, right. It's not quite that simple. You can't rationalize with that part of your brain. It is chock full of emotions and all the types of reactions that go along with them, so calmly telling them to shut the fuck up doesn't really work all that well. But I know there is a way to short circuit the cycle and to stop it from feeding on itself.

I left the doctor's office with a bunch of literature and a prescription for Ativan. We'll see how it goes. I don't anticipate having to use much of the medication - I got a prescription for 20 of those last March at my physical and still have a fair number left. But to get over the hump, I'm not afraid of a little help. Better living through chemicals as my doctor friend always says.

So a few days of that to get myself back to normal and then after that, I'm crackin' skulls. (well, not really, but you get my meaning.)

(photo credit)

June meditation

It's been roughly a month since I started this whole meditation experiment. I figured that since the month is just about up, I should try to look back on this a bit. When I first started this, I figured that I would be at it for a few days and then slip back into my old ways of information overload and monkey brain. But chalk one up for being able to teach an old dog new tricks, because I think I've had some pretty good progress.

While I have not been completely successful, I have made great strides forward. Somebody asked me the other day as I was walking into work with my headphones still in my ears if I listened to ocean waves on there because I am always so calm. As Bugs Bunny would say "She don't know me very well, do she?" The funny part is that I think I have calmed my insides down a lot, although I have a very long way to go. I know a lot of people that are not good at projecting the calm exterior - their outsides are just as crazy as what I would imagine being in their heads would be like. Still, I feel most times like no one else has half the insanity of thought process going on in their head like I do. I had a therapist tell me once that the fallacy of comparing yourself to other people is that we're always comparing our tumultuous insides to other people's calm exteriors. For some reason, that comment has always stayed with me. So that's what I try to remember when I think that way.

For me, meditation has really become something that I look forward to. I am not very good at it yet. I have a hard time focusing on my breath and keeping my mind from wandering to what I had for lunch today or what I'm going to do when I'm done. I think I'm better than when I started a month ago, so that's progress in my book. Baby steps, I tell ya. I actually find myself getting kind of cranky when I can't make time to meditate, similar to people who get irritated when they can't do their workouts. It has been a centering thing for me. Heidi comments that whenever I get done, it's like I just came home from an energy therapy appointment. I think it has done me good to be more aware of my energy centers and to think more consciously of them.

This probably sounds like a whole lot of bunk to many people who may read this. And that's fine. I know it's not for everyone. There are days I'm not sure it's for me, but I persevere because I have seen the benefits of it. I sleep better, I feel better, my mind is not as prone to flights of fancy that usually end badly. My mood has also been much better. Because meditation has been teaching me to put everything in its own box, I find it easier to leave work at work, even though things have been kind of crazy and stressful there right now. Today, for example, I found myself existing serenely amidst a sea of cacophony which is really quite miraculous considering my tendency to suck all that up and internalize it whether I like it or not.

So starting in July, I keep on working on my mind and start working on my body. I hope that I have at least a similar level of success with that. But if I have 15-20 minutes each day to meditate, surely I can do the same with exercise or weights or something like that, right?

We'll see. Stay tuned.

I am probably going to have to get myself a Buddha though. The closest thing I have is my one-armed Jabba and that just doesn't quite suffice.