Friday, June 27, 2008

June meditation

It's been roughly a month since I started this whole meditation experiment. I figured that since the month is just about up, I should try to look back on this a bit. When I first started this, I figured that I would be at it for a few days and then slip back into my old ways of information overload and monkey brain. But chalk one up for being able to teach an old dog new tricks, because I think I've had some pretty good progress.

While I have not been completely successful, I have made great strides forward. Somebody asked me the other day as I was walking into work with my headphones still in my ears if I listened to ocean waves on there because I am always so calm. As Bugs Bunny would say "She don't know me very well, do she?" The funny part is that I think I have calmed my insides down a lot, although I have a very long way to go. I know a lot of people that are not good at projecting the calm exterior - their outsides are just as crazy as what I would imagine being in their heads would be like. Still, I feel most times like no one else has half the insanity of thought process going on in their head like I do. I had a therapist tell me once that the fallacy of comparing yourself to other people is that we're always comparing our tumultuous insides to other people's calm exteriors. For some reason, that comment has always stayed with me. So that's what I try to remember when I think that way.

For me, meditation has really become something that I look forward to. I am not very good at it yet. I have a hard time focusing on my breath and keeping my mind from wandering to what I had for lunch today or what I'm going to do when I'm done. I think I'm better than when I started a month ago, so that's progress in my book. Baby steps, I tell ya. I actually find myself getting kind of cranky when I can't make time to meditate, similar to people who get irritated when they can't do their workouts. It has been a centering thing for me. Heidi comments that whenever I get done, it's like I just came home from an energy therapy appointment. I think it has done me good to be more aware of my energy centers and to think more consciously of them.

This probably sounds like a whole lot of bunk to many people who may read this. And that's fine. I know it's not for everyone. There are days I'm not sure it's for me, but I persevere because I have seen the benefits of it. I sleep better, I feel better, my mind is not as prone to flights of fancy that usually end badly. My mood has also been much better. Because meditation has been teaching me to put everything in its own box, I find it easier to leave work at work, even though things have been kind of crazy and stressful there right now. Today, for example, I found myself existing serenely amidst a sea of cacophony which is really quite miraculous considering my tendency to suck all that up and internalize it whether I like it or not.

So starting in July, I keep on working on my mind and start working on my body. I hope that I have at least a similar level of success with that. But if I have 15-20 minutes each day to meditate, surely I can do the same with exercise or weights or something like that, right?

We'll see. Stay tuned.

I am probably going to have to get myself a Buddha though. The closest thing I have is my one-armed Jabba and that just doesn't quite suffice.

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