Doing something right

Those of you in my most intimate circle may (or may not) know that the last couple weeks have completely kicked my ass. Work's been stressful, there was the whole tire debacle, and then there's other shiz going on that I'm not going to go in here. But when you combine it all with the fact I'm just starting to burn out after having taken my summer vacation in May, there's no denying that I've been going through a bit of a rough patch. The other night when Heidi and Anna came out to have supper with me at work, Heidi must have really noticed it and I told her that I'd "talk to her when I got home." Her eyebrow arched and she wondered if something specific had happened and I assured her no but that I just "wasn't feeling very good about myself."

Anna must have heard me say this because this is what I found when I came home from work that night, exhausted and spent.


As Heidi pointed out, I shouldn't feel bad about myself because I had a hand in helping mold this child who knows enough at age nine the thing that I still frequently forget at age 39 - always like yourself! Much of that for me is an old pattern that I'm working on changing, but still, I'm glad that I've helped arm her with that kind of internal monologue.

So here's to a reboot today. We're going down to Indianola for the National Balloon Classic and good times with friends and may-as-well-be-family. I slept till 10:30 and skipped my cardio because clearly, I needed the unconsciousness more than the aerobic workout. There's always tomorrow.

Looping

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. My work schedule has been so wonky - overnights last weekend and nothing but evenings this week - that I fear that Monday will be a total loss while I try to get back to normal. But last night was kind of different. I was caught in a mental loop that I couldn't short circuit, no matter how much my rational brain talked to it. It was as if the part of my brain that had decided to ramp itself up was willfully ignoring the part of my brain that was trying to talk some sense into it. The fact that I finally fell asleep without the help of chemicals is miraculous and a testament to either my improving ability to override that part of my brain or to the fact that I was much more tired than I thought I was.

I slept till 10AM this morning and in the light of day, things are not nearly what they seemed at 1:30AM. It is times like these that I can seriously feel the years being shaved off my life and know that I have no one to blame but myself. So we chalk it up as a loss and try for a win the next time.

In much better news, Heidi is now the author of not one but TWO published works. Special Delivery will be out on Dreamspinner Press in February of 2010. Here's her author page which hopefully will eventually have links to both of her books. And you can bet I will be pimping the hell out of them here.

Aspirations in the clouds

Sleep is an elusive beast for me. I'm sleeping, yes, but for the last two nights I have not been able to get even anywhere close to sleep without help from pharmaceuticals, which is not the direction I like to be heading. It may sound like a backhanded compliment (and it probably is) but Ativan combined with the new Moby CD is really the only thing putting me to sleep at night these days.

It is a circle of being so tired I can't engage and then unable to sleep so that when I wake up the next morning, the cycle begins anew. I was telling Heidi last night that what I would love more than life itself would be to be able to be at home at night after work and not be so exhausted that I can't really be mentally present. But to do that, I have to find the root of my exhaustion, which is no small feat. But there is no alternative but to try.

OK, must get to work, but to balance out my general crank, let's watch Evan Cowden's remake of Howard Jones' "No One Is To Blame." First viewed at The Garden during Heidi's birthday celebration a couple years back, it was a video that prompted Heidi to utter the immortal words "If he is not gay, I will gladly eat my hat." I (naturally) had to go download it from iTunes the day after hearing it.