Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Muddling through

Tuesday is done and man I feel like I've been through the ringer already. But the good thing is that Heidi completely finished painting my office today and even got it all set up. I guess she thinks that since she can't help me much with how I'm feeling about all the change in my life she can at least help me get some place nice to be when I'm at home. And really, it is great. I feel a little bit like it's my dorm room or something.

I'm listening to Dave Matthews tonight which is kind of fun because I don't really know many of his songs, but they're good background music. I'm trying to find a replacement for Claire, and I think I might have found someone. Now I just have to figure out how I'm ever going to get an appointment. I'm feeling really bad about taking all the time off work that I am. I mean, I have to go to Ryan's wedding but did I really need to go to Madonna? How am I going to swing it as I know for a fact that I won't have enough vacation time accrued by the time I need to take that trip. I know that it'll just work out and that worrying about it will accomplish only ulcers, but it's still hard. I still feel like a big dork at work despite all evidence to the contrary. There are times I wish I were back in the comfortable confines of my job in Washington, but I know that's not an option. There are so many things that are right about Ames that make it worth uprooting ourselves from something that was "comfortable." It really is amazing when you think about it--how quickly we uprooted ourselves from all that we knew to move to a city where we really didn't know anyone to a job that was a huge change from what I had. But things are working out. Anna has a little buddy a couple houses down and we're working on trying to get a babysitter lined up in case Heidi and I ever decide to have a life again.

It's times like these that I really feel like my depression is an unfair burden. I get mad because days like today were days where when I left in the morning to go to work I was as disabled by my depression as people who suffer from migraines or chronic back pain or anything else like that. But I didn't have the option of calling in sick just because I wasn't able to "pull myself together." So what do you do? You pull yourself together as best you can and get through the day. I remember Rick H. telling me something like that in regard to high school classes once--"those are the classes where you just sit in your chair and wait for the period to be over." I don't count minutes or anything like that at work so I suppose that doesn't really apply. But I guess I'm feeling a lot like if it weren't for Heidi no one would be interested in what's going on in my life, which I know is patently false, but it's hard to tell your brain things like that when you're feeling like I've been feeling these days. I know this is intensely personal and that I'm probably crazy for posting it in a blog, but what the heck? I'm trying to be more myself and I have to say that I'm more myself than I have been ever in my life, but I was much more comfortable in my Washington skin than I am in my Ames skin, but I'm sure that had a lot to do with the fact that I knew exactly how to react to people and situations in Washington, whereas here I'm still learning.

I think that depression is one of the reasons that I can listen to Dave Matthews. Knowing that he went through depression too and what with him being a public figure and all it had to take guts to admit that on the pages of Rolling Stone or whatever. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but you know.

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