Monday, March 08, 2010

Waiting for a change of heart

UPDATE: Obviously this blog will go on. I would be lost without it. But bear with me as I work through some conflicting emotions and feelings about what direction I want to take it in.

If there's any one thing that I DESPISE with every fiber of my being, it's bloggers that come on and, in a desperate attention grab, announce that they're quitting or thinking of quitting.

That said, I'm giving some serious thought to being done with this. Or at least taking a break. As other blogger friends of mine have said to me over the years, who doesn't think of hanging it up at least 2 or 3 times a year? But then what would we do with all our time?

The reason I'm even going there at all is that I don't feel like my mindset is very much in line with the tone of the blog right now. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to write the posts about cheesy pop music. It's just not where my brain is these days. This leaves me with topics to write about that I think push up to the edge or what's ok to discuss in a public forum such as this. It's hard to write (and, conversely, not to write) about those things. If something serious is moving me or if I'm feeling something intensely, it's hard to write about Madonna's plastic surgery. But it's also hard to write about the undercurrent because, well, it's just too much exposure for this little introvert.

I suppose one option is to take out all personal stuff and just write about music and TV and books when the spirit moves me. But when I think about doing that and how it basically amounts to neutering the blog, I just can't bear to do that to what really is one of the few things in this world that I've created all on my own. Another option is to take my toys and head over to LiveJournal where I can control who sees my content a little more. Wordpress also offers password protected blogs, but I've been through that before and have decided against it. The thought of making friends and family log in to read stuff kind of turns my stomach, especially since I know a lot of my friends are pretty entrenched in Blogger.

As usual, it comes down to balance and how much do you want to expose of yourself? Whenever I do a post that is even semi-personal, I feel like I've put my heart on my shirt sleeve for the whole world to see. The reality is that it's probably only a sliver, but even after all these years, I'm still uncomfortable with people seeing anything of me that is not explicitly controlled. I'm like Madonna - I need handlers or something! I'll admit that I want pretty much everything on my terms so that I can control it and ultimately exert some control over the outcome, but the truth of the matter is that I control only a very teeny tiny portion of what happens. The sooner I get that through my thick skull, the better off I will be.

So right now, I'm on the fence I guess. I honestly can't see myself going through with it, but I also am seriously at an impasse right now. My gut instinct is to save this in draft form and not publish it because in 2 days I probably won't feel this way, but I think that writing it has been part of processing it. But even that is dangerous because, as a friend of mine once said, isn't blogging about the blog one of the surest signs of its imminent demise?

Time will tell.


P.Viktor said...

Firstly, loved the Cyndi Lauper reference in the title. Secondly, I went through all this at the beginning of the year (when I had major blog fatigue). The best thing I did? Take the whole of January off. It meant I had free time to do other things (like read books, as you well know) and it also meant that I came back really revitalised and ready to blog again. We give ourselves holidays from our work generally, and yet we don't from our blogs (which are in a way like jobs because they require so much work to update). I think by taking a month off you will be chomping at the bit again to get started.

As for the personal stuff, I have a hard time with this as well. Although I don't tend to write directly personal blog posts, the fact is that all the poetry I post is VERY personal and I am exposing that to the world and allowing it to shape people's perceptions of me. It's a fine balance. I like the personal blogs you write because it gives me a much better insight into who you are that I would never get otherwise. At the moment I am using Facebook Pages which is becoming more and more like a blog platform and it is also only open to certain people. Food for thought.

One thing you must not do though - stop blogging altogether!

John said...

It's funny how this works, because I've been in a similar boat, and other people I know are as well. Hang in there...maybe this is just something to work through.