Monday, April 19, 2004

I'm not really used to my new schedule yet, and it's not even all that different from my old one. Who knew what a difference an hour would make in the morning? Instead of going in at 9, I'm going in at 8 (for now) but it just seems like I don't have any time for anything. But I vowed that I was going to take a walk this morning (which I did) and that I was going to blog for a little bit this morning (which I am) so I guess I'm not doing too terribly bad.

We survived the last of the move and now it's just down to getting things unpacked. It still feels weird to say that Ames is our new home. I still feel like I'm living someone else's life, but the alternative is to go back to my old life which is just not what I want to be doing right now anyway. I know that my depression has been flaring a little these days--I've been tweaking my meds a little bit here and there and it's just not as smooth of sailing as it has been. I'm not stupid and I'm not naive enough to think that all this change wouldn't cause some mood instability so it's not like I'm unprepared for it.

Still, it's a bit of a let down. Here we are moving into the best time of the year for me depression-wise and I'm having troubles. It's times like these that I understand the allure of being depressed--it's a ready made excuse for everything that goes wrong in your life. You're not doing well at your job--blame depression. You can't get along with your friends--blame depression. But that's too pat of an answer, really, it is. It is somehow oddly comforting to do that though, and that's what you have to constantly be on guard against. You always have to understand that it's your choice whether you are wallowing in the depression or not. There's a point before you sink down into it that you can consciously free yourself from it, but that window is small and you have take it when you see it.

On another note, I've been reading Cold Mountain which has great potential but for some reason I just can't really get into it. I've been reading it for a few weeks now and I haven't managed to crack page 100 yet. The style of writing is very descriptive and there's precious little dialogue (other than internal dialogue) so that makes it a pretty slow read. I'm *this* far away from setting it aside in favor of something a little more upbeat, but so far I haven't managed to unpack enough books to have something to choose from. Tonight Anna and I are going to go to the Ames Public Library and check it out. I can't remember the last time I was there!

Mostly, I'm just missing the familiarity of my life. The comfort of going to a job each day that I know how to do even if I was bored senseless. I also miss Washington in a very abstract way--I miss the people that I did know. I'm idealizing what life was like there now that I'm away from it. I miss my friends a lot. I miss the Real Men list even though I'm still subscribed I don't have the time to read it. I found myself thinking about Kevin last night and wondering how he's doing. Dang, I miss that guy a lot.

Well, life will continue, and it'll be a good day today. I'll know more about how to do my job at 4:30 tonight than I do now, and that's how things are supposed to be. I better go start getting ready.

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