Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Good boys never win

Heidi said something to me tonight that really rang true. A bit (just a bit) of back story. Work is stressing me out a lot these days - and as a consequence, I feel tired A LOT of the time. And frankly, I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of feeling like that passion has been drained out of what I do and that life is a series of motions that one must go through to be rewarded at the end. I am not certain where my passion is - I mean, I know that I can't write a blog and get paid what I get paid being a pharmacist even though I do feel rather passionately about this little space on the internet.

But what she said was "You spend a lot of energy on maintaining that good boy shell that you think everyone wants to see." And you know what? She's right. I have spent my whole life being a "good boy." I have expended vast amounts of energy in my life toward not getting in trouble and doing the right thing and not making waves. I would like to say that I'm ready to say "Fuck that! Let's have some fun." But I am me, and of course I can't just do that. But that's not to say that there isn't a compromise in there somewhere.

Me being me, I immediately thought of the Blondie song "Good Boys" from their criminally underrated The Curse of Blondie. Especially the chorus.

Good boys never win
Good boys always follow
Good boys never win
They all fall away and you remain.

And there's some truth in those incredibly simple pop music lyrics. The good boy is a shell - there's so much more beneath it. And if I could just get that to fall away, there's something else pretty amazing under there. I have spent a good majority of my life trying to figure this out, and I'm sure that this is not going to be the end of it - I'm a work in progress, after all - but it is something to bear in mind anyway.

Perhaps if I spend less energy being the things other people WANT me to be, I won't feel so tired.


Anonymous said...

Dan..bc here..must be brutally honest with you and convay an incident that transpired in my existance..Talked with the russian and told her i miss my drug knowledge but not my job as a pharmacist..went to arizona pharmacy board..i nearly went outside after talking with them and got some gas and went back in and set fire to that place..they didnt understand why i wanted to reinstate.."are you tired of being a dentist" they asked, and then it hit me..these fucking sheep think that the only thing there is in the world is to have a job..make money..go to tv..jerk off..go to sleep..THIS IS NOT A LIFE!!!! I have read stories of POWs who given there situation retreated into their inner mind and when people would say to them "Wow,5 years of you life was wasted" they were like.."what the fuck are you talking about..sure i couldn't go anywhere, but in my mind..i was always free!!"...Remember these sound words of advice my dear older brother other people holding yuo back has nothing on you holding yourself is short and regrets are the only thing you should fear because you cant get rid of them or reason them away and ultimately they all had the same source..your fear at that time..start asking yourself this question. I have to do this with my wife once and a while and just tell her after everything that we have ahd happen to us while living down here..we are still together, making great progress and constantly pushing to make ourselves and each other better and thus sorry.ive said to much..seacrest out..

Heidi Cullinan said...

I can't decide who I love more at the moment, Ryan or Dan. Differently, of course, but still . . .

What a lovely set of men the two of you are. :)

xolondon said...

I wonder about this too. Does good boy = submissive boy? Good boys CAN win if you redefine what good means. :) I think you are perhaps a good person at heart (err, from what I know!). Is it rebellion to live and think as you want? Maybe in America! LOL. Regardless, good folks make mistakes, get angry, get petty. And evolve.

You are certainly at an age where these questions become really important because you know you have (God willing) time to change things you don't like. I suspect you also know that problems/issues/bad traits don't lessen as we age, they get worse if we don't deal with them.

I guess we equate good boys with those who do what they're told even when they don't want to. In POP terms, it all comes down to (urgh - pedophilic) Michael Jackson's famous breathy line: "Make that change"!

Hellowww to YLW!

lucas said...

As a good boy myself, I recently read the following quote: "People love you *despite* your attempts at being good enough, not *because* of them."

I think about this whenever I'm jumping through hoops, bending and shaping to be what I think others may want. I realize they probably see through my efforts and love me anyway!!

PS you have an awesome wife!

Dan said...

Ryan, your words are great and I appreciate you commenting like you did. Regret should just be a New Order song, not something we have at the end of our lives.

Heidi - I love you too!

XO - Yes, I fear you're right in that a lot of times we equate good boy with just being a door mat. As Erasure would say, it doesn't have to be like that. When I speak of being a good boy, I do speak of doing things I don't necessarily want to just to please others. And yep, that's a behavior that I've been working to undo for years.

Lucas - thanks for the great comment and quote. And of course, you're right - just as you were about the truth of the thirties. And yes, my wife is awesome!

Yuяi said...

Take it from good boy and ex-(cult)doormat, moi, that you can still be good, not a doormat, AND still win. It's hard to break out of the rut, but if I can do it, anyone can. :)