Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Songs worthy of eardrum puncture

The other day, my friend Mary posted a list of songs that she basically never needs to hear again. She even went as far as to say that she'd rather puncture her eardrums than hear them. It got me to thinking about the songs I would put on that list. So here we go, in no particular order (except for number one.)

1) Margaritaville / Jimmy Buffett
Dear God, I can't even stand the opening notes of this heinously awful song. Him nibbling on his goddamn sponge cake! Of all the songs on this list, this is by far my most despised, most hated song. The reason I hate it so much is all I can think of are my memories of a bar full of drunken frat boys singing along with it, especially that part in the chorus where Buffett sings "some people claim there's a WOMAN to blame." God, talk about a song that if I never hear it again it will be far too soon.

2) Goodbye My Lover / James Blunt
I could handle "You're Beautiful" to a certain point, even though that song ended up annoying the crap out of me as well. But it wasn't until "Goodbye My Lover" that I really decided that I would probably never voluntarily listen to a James Blunt song ever again. This song was all over the radio and we would hear it CONSTANTLY at work. They played it so much in an 8-hour shift that the techs teased me whenever it came on. I mean, I like angst in songs, but this was too much for even me.

3) Unplugged / 10,000 Maniacs
Yes, the whole album. I do love the 10,000 Maniacs, especially in their Natalie Merchant incarnation, and I like the studio versions of all of the songs, but I just can't abide by this album. I blame my college roommate. He found my copy and played it and played it and played it and played it and played it until I wanted to be physically sick. He bought his own copy and then I promptly sold mine. I can stomach "Because The Night" but seriously, I still twitch when I see this CD at the library.

4) Betterman / Pearl Jam
Released in 1994, this is one of those songs that took the brunt of my coming to terms that I was just not going to be able to connect on that deoxyribonucleic level with current music like I had in the past. This was really the only Pearl Jam song that I actively disliked, and it kind of soured me on all their other songs as well (although I have warmed up to "Evenflow" thanks to Guitar Hero.) It was also another song my college roommate overplayed. Truthfully, it's amazing that we were able to get along at all considering the disparity in our music tastes, but we did nonetheless.

5) Me Against The Music / Britney Spears & Madonna
Talk about a song designed by a committee. Even this die-hard Madge fan can see that this song ir pretty much utter crap. The only part of it that I like is the bridge where Madonna sings "Hey Britney, you say you wanna lose control." And even there, Madonna sounds nasal and annoyed to be singing at all. She seems to be phoning this performance in and it was just all around a bad idea. I can barely believe that Britney and Madonna might be teaming up for the Sticky & Sweet Tour. Say it isn't so!

6) Wind It Up / Gwen Stefani
The lead single from The Sweet Escape is just shiteous. I understand the cute-sy idea of building a song around "The Lonely Goatherd" and I suppose that would be good for an album track, but as a single? Please. Gwen just about lost me with that whole record until I heard "4 In The Morning" which made the summer 2007 best-of list.

7) Ain't No Other Man / Christina Aguilera
I think that this song encapsulates all the worst things about Aguilera's music. She has a great singing voice, so why is it that she mostly just shouts or growls when she sings? And this song also has no real discernable melody as well as herky-jerky beats. This combination left it not particularly memorable except in the worst possible way. I tried several remixes of the song as well to see if maybe it was just the production. Alas, it was the song.

8) Butterfly Kisses / Bob Carlisle
OK, let's get one thing straight. I'm not afraid of sappiness in small doses or songs packed full of sadness and other emotion. What I don't like are songs that use that sappiness and sadness as a full-frontal assault. "Butterfly Kisses" which chronicles the relationship between a father and his daughter from her birth to her marriage just makes me want to cringe. It's TOO obvious. It's TOO over the top. As the father of a daughter, you'd think I might have a soft spot for it, but no. I am also not a fan of songs that are naked in their attempt to become wedding dance standards. If I had a dollar for every time this song was the father-daughter dance at a wedding reception, I'd be rich. For the record, Heidi's father-daughter dance song was Fine Young Cannibals' "She Drives Me Crazy."

9) Comfortably Numb/ Pink Floyd
Again, bad college memories with this one. All I can think of are guys on my dorm floor blasting this song after their finals are over. The song has been redeemed slightly by Scissor Sisters' cover of it, which I'm sure would make a lot of those guys thunder "why are they messing with a CLASSIC? Their version sucks!" Perhaps that's part of the reason I like the SS version so much.

10) Mambo No. 5 / Lou Bega
I know that every era has its novelty songs, but didn't it seem like the late 90s/early 00s had more than their fair share? This one is forever tainted by VH1's Pop-Up Video that put in a picture of Monica Lewinsky every time he sang "A little bit of Monica..." I know it was supposed to be a fun little summer song, but seriously, the song just grates on me.

OK, I am off to sleep. Perhaps all this cranking on pop music is a result of sleep deprivation.

But I wouldn't bet on it.


Anonymous said...

I was counting on you to name the songs I hate but couldn't remember, and you didn't disappoint! Margaritaville is right up there with Old Time Rock and Roll. It will never go away!!!And my teeth are grinding just thinking about Goodbye My Lover.

Yuяi said...

Dan, my buddy, I'm going to have to disagree with ya on "Wind it Up" and "Ain't No Other Man". The Goatherd mess is not for everyone, but it was fun and had a great "Robots to Mars" mix that I still enjoy. I think the "retro" vibe of X-tina's last album was a great thing, but sales lagged big time. I do very much like ANOM's "Shape UK" mix, which I think is even better than the original.

Totally agree with you on Margaritaville and Butterfly Kisses...I've heard them waaay tooo many times and they deserve to be on the suckage list.

Anonymous said...

Oh Blogger doesn't do the fancy links! Well, that's just bullshit.

Monster Paperbag said...

I can't stand "Butterfly Kisses" either. Kinda like force feeding.